The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership

Kindle Highlights

• Leading from Above the Line Leadership operates from one of two places: above the line or below the line. Above the line leadership is open, curious, and committed to learning. Below the line leadership is closed, defensive, and committed to being right. Leading from below the line is not wrong—it is a common state. As a regular practice, conscious leaders notice when they are below the line and choose to shift to above the line. The Four Ways of Leading model shows the states of consciousness leaders operate in: To Me, By Me, Through Me, and As Me. Leaders are well served by focusing first on the shift from To Me to By Me leadership.
• Blame, shame, and guilt all come from the same source: TOXIC FEAR.
• We have observed that leaders typically use five levels of motivation: Toxic fear: blame, shame, and guilt Extrinsic motivation: money, title, the corner office, and other perks Intrinsic motivation: learning, fulfilling purpose, and autonomy Play, creativity, and expressing our “genius” in the world Love
• I commit to taking full responsibility for the circumstances of my life and for my physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being. I commit to supporting others to take full responsibility for their lives.
• self-blame is equally as toxic as blaming others, or circumstances, and it is NOT taking responsibility.
• All drama in leadership and life is caused by the need to be right. Letting go of that need is a radical shift all great leaders make.
• Taking Radical Responsibility Taking full responsibility for one’s circumstances (physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually) is the foundation of true personal and relational transformation. Blame, shame, and guilt all come from toxic fear. Toxic fear drives the victim-villain-hero triangle, which keeps leaders and teams below the line. This leads to high employee turnover and low innovation, creativity, and collaboration. Conscious leaders and teams take full responsibility—radical responsibility—instead of placing blame. Radical responsibility means locating the cause and control of our lives in ourselves, not in external events. Instead of asking “Who’s to blame?”, conscious leaders ask, “What can we learn and how can we grow from this?” Conscious leaders are open to the possibility that instead of controlling and changing the world, perhaps the world is just right the way it is. This creates huge growth opportunities on a personal and organizational level.
• four competencies trump all others as the greatest predictors of sustained success: self-awareness, learning agility, communication, and influence.
• What is “right” doesn’t need to be defended. The equation 2 + 2 = 4 doesn’t require us to fight about its validity.
• Four conscious breaths with a four second inhale and a four second exhale deep into our belly literally shift our blood chemistry and breathing pattern.
• all information falls into three buckets: What I know What I know I don’t know What I don’t know I don’t know
• Emotion is “e-motion.” Energy in motion. At its simplest level, emotion is energy moving in and on the body. Or said another way, feelings are physical sensations.
• we find it helpful to label all sensations along the continuum from low to high intensity, with the simple core feeling they match, e.g. angry, sad, scared, joyful or sexual.
• LOCATE THE SENSATION IN YOUR BODY. Bring your attention to the sensation and describe its precise nature as accurately as possible. We like to tell people to imagine that their body is made up of billions of “bits.” Ask yourself this useful question, “What are the bits doing?” Words like twisting, popping, tightening, spinning, and flowing are good descriptions. Be as specific and as granular as possible.
• emotions last at most ninety seconds. We agree. Most emotions—sensations occurring in and on the body—move through the body in a minute and a half or less (usually far less) if we match our expression with our experience. If you repress or recycle emotion, it can harden into a mood: Anger becomes bitterness. Fear becomes anxiety. Sadness becomes apathy. And these moods can last for years.
• conscious fear is different from unconscious or toxic fear, or fear below the line, which is almost always about a made-up future state. It is anxiety disconnected from the present moment. It is lying in a warm bed with a full stomach visualizing being homeless and hungry one day and then becoming paralyzed or activated by this imagined possibility.
• Whenever one of us encounters this boredom in a relationship, we are fairly confident that they are withholding from each other.
• The conscious leader doesn’t see his judgments as RIGHT. Rather, he simply sees that judgments are arising. He also notices that the judgments that arise are more about him than they are about the other person. Our judgments about the world tell us a great deal about ourselves and very little about the world. They reveal something about our reactions, beliefs, listening filters, unconscious habits or expectations.
• In powerful committed relationships, where both parties share a commitment to candor and to deep listening, we encourage a practice of revealing judgments. The key is that we reveal our judgments so that we can make ourselves known. We don’t reveal our judgments to be RIGHT or to change the other person. In other words, when I reveal my thoughts and feelings I’m telling you about me, not about you.
• three types of reveals are unarguable: a thought, a feeling, or a sensation.
• Here are three forms of unarguable communication: I’m having the thought that… I feel… [sad, scared, angry, joyful, or sexual]. I’m having a body sensation of… [pinching in my shoulder blades, swirling in my belly, throbbing in my temples].
• To speak with candor is to reveal what is unarguable with truthfulness, openness, and awareness.
• Speaking from love is not a license to withhold or sugarcoat our unarguable truth, because we don’t want to “hurt someone’s feelings” (which is the most common reason people give for not wanting to be candid). Rather, speaking from love asks this question: “How do I say all my truth in the most loving way possible?”
• one of the litmus tests of authentic candor is how others receive it. If people get defensive and argue with you when you’re being candid, it’s a good time to pause and make sure you’re really saying what is unarguable and saying it in the most loving way possible.
• For our purposes, gossip is either… any statement about another made by someone with negative intent, or any statement about another that the speaker would be unwilling to share in exactly the same way if that person were in the same room.
• Agreeing to listen to gossip is the same as speaking it.
• Is there any negative intent? If so, stop. You’re gossiping. Would you be willing to speak directly and in exactly the same way to the person? If not, stop. You’re gossiping.
• Eliminating Gossip Even though gossip has long been a part of office culture, it is a key indicator of an unhealthy organization and one of the fastest ways to derail motivation and creativity. Gossip is a statement about another made by someone with negative intent or a statement the speaker would be unwilling to share in exactly the same way if that person were in the room. Gossip is an attempt to validate the righteousness of a person’s thinking and is below the line; it is not a comment designed to serve the person being discussed. People gossip to gain validation, control others and outcomes, avoid conflict, get attention, feel included, and make themselves right by making others wrong. In short, people usually gossip out of fear. If you gossip, clean it up by revealing your participation in the gossip to everyone involved. Use the issue-clearing model as a tool to separate fact from story and to learn to speak directly to one another. When leaders and teams learn to speak candidly with each other, they benefit from the direct feedback about issues within the organization that otherwise could derail creative energy and productive collaboration.
• In practice, we have identified four pillars of integrity (we are indebted to Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks for this construct): Take 100% responsibility Speak authentically Feel feelings through to completion Impeccable agreements
• Energetically, failing to keep a small agreement breaks the flow of life force just as much as failing to keep a large agreement.
• IMPECCABLE AGREEMENTS To be impeccable concerning agreements, this model asks us to master four practices: Making clear agreements Keeping agreements Renegotiating agreements Cleaning up broken agreements
• In our experience, people who are impeccable with their agreements renegotiate less than 10% of them.
• when cleaning up a broken agreement, you don’t need to “explain” why you didn’t keep the agreement. In the world of energetic integrity, explaining is a waste of time. The energetic loop is broken both internally and between two people when the agreement isn’t kept.
• the Integrity Inventory, a simple and direct tool that allows us to see any integrity breeches we have in the four pillars of integrity. HERE ARE THE DETAILS: EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE—UNFELTS Have I felt all my feelings around… My childhood My parents Any relationships that have ended My siblings My children My career My spouse My body My money My sexual orientation/desires How I use substances (drugs, food, alcohol) Death: mine and others CONSCIOUS COMMUNICATION—UNSAIDS Is there anything I have been withholding from… My spouse My children My extended family, parents, siblings. My friends: current and past My colleagues: current and past Myself Anyone else who comes to mind more than three times Is there anything I have been withholding about… Emotions: anger, fear, sadness, joy, sexual feelings Agreements Judgments Desires, wants, requests Money Stealing Approval Comparison Lying Appreciation Sex Consumption: food, alcohol, drugs IMPECCABLE AGREEMENTS—UNKEPTS Have I kept all my agreements with… My spouse My children My extended family, parents, siblings,. My friends: current and past My colleagues, current and past Myself Anyone else who comes to mind more than three times Have I kept all my agreements about… Sex Money Time Things HEALTHY RESPONSIBILITY—UNOWNEDS Am I blaming… My spouse My children My extended family, parents, siblings. My friends: current and past My colleague: current and past Myself Anyone else who comes to mind more than three times Am I in victim or blame… My past My present circumstances My lack My emotional states (anger, sadness, fear, joy, sexual feelings) My spiritual states My physical condition
• Practicing Integrity Integrity is the practice of keeping agreements, taking responsibility, revealing authentic feelings, and expressing unarguable truths. It is essential to thriving leaders and organizations. Integrity is not defined here as conforming to a moral or ethical code, but rather as facilitating wholeness and congruence. Integrity is an unbroken flow of energy and life force, congruence between what is experienced and expressed, and alignment with life purpose. Organizations have a natural flow of energy, but when it is interrupted by integrity breaches, leadership is dampened and employee engagement decreases. Conscious leaders are masters at managing energy, which leads to an organizational culture that is alive, engaged, passionate, on purpose, creative, innovative, intuitive, clear, visionary, playful, relaxed, and refreshed. There are four pillars of integrity: taking radical responsibility (Commitment 1), speaking candidly (Commitment 4), feeling all feelings (Commitment 3), and keeping agreements (Commitment 6). Conscious leaders are impeccable with their agreements. They make clear agreements, keep them, renegotiate them when needed, and clean them up when broken. Integrity is fundamental to conscious leadership and successful thriving organizations.
• Most people wouldn’t refuse a gift, yet they refuse appreciation, which is the emotional equivalent.
• Research continues to show that a ratio of approximately five appreciations for every one criticism comment is the optimal ratio for strong relationships.
• if you both dislike like the activity and do it poorly—dump it (stop doing it), delegate it, or do it differently—see if there is a way that you can make it fun.
• In his book, Play, Stuart Brown defines play as “an absorbing, apparently purposeless activity that provides enjoyment and suspends self-consciousness and a sense of time. It is also self-motivating and makes you want to do it again.”
• Is it true? Can you absolutely know that it’s true? How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought? Who would you be without the thought? The follow-up step to these four questions, the “turnaround,” allows us to experience various opposites of the original thought.
• Humans have three core wants: approval, control, and security. All other “wants” stem from these basic desires,
• Notice that when you are fully present in this now moment, you have plenty of everything. Everything is perfect. Because it just is. To experience scarcity, you must be outside yourself and the present moment—anticipating the lack of something in the future or harboring the lack of something from the past. When there is just now, there is always enough.
• I commit to seeing all people and circumstances as allies that are perfectly suited to help me learn the most important things for my growth.
• Other people don’t even have to consciously commit to being your ally. If you are committed to experiencing them that way, they are always instrumental to your growth.
• I commit to creating win-for-all solutions (win for me, win for the other person, win for the organization, and win for the whole) for whatever issues, problems, concerns, or opportunities life gives me.
• I commit to being the resolution or solution that is needed: seeing what is missing in the world as an invitation to become that which is required.
• “Trying is wanting credit for something you never intend to do.”